The United States of ARVO

FROM THE VAULT: July 3, 2013

Tomorrow we celebrate this great nation's independence. 237 years of so many freedoms and choices that companies like ours were formed to differentiate one from the other.

But while the English were a formidable foe back in the Revolutionary years, at least before World Cup season, and the Germans gave it their best shot in two world wars, things might have turned out differently had our luck of the European draw come up differently. Because while most teams can win on any given Sunday, sometimes you run into a well–oiled, take no shit, domination machine.

Say for instance, Iceland.

Things might've turned out differently for General Jim Lowell and his meeting-dodging troops had Holmfridur stormed Plymouth Rock. No amount of sweet-talking or wampum trading would've halted the swift and severe ramifications at the hands of the Hardardottir army.

Imagine where we'd be today…

New Jersey would be called New Reykjavik…and it would smell like salted cod.

Hot dog eating contests would be replaced with gazpacho tastings in healthy portions.

McDonald's would be replaced with McGetYourAssBacktoWork reminders.

State governors would be replaced with account directors.

Fat people would be imprisoned and forced to run laps around Minnesota.

Labor Day would be a day where you work. Along with Christmas. New Years. And Superbowl Sunday.

Alright, let's go drink. Triona's. 3rd Ave between 17th and 18th. Holmfridur is definitely coming. She's dying to do a few Jaeger bombs before dinner tonight.