Faster than a speeding ARVO
FROM THE VAULT: June 14, 2013
With the summer movie blockbuster season in full swing, Hollywood bean counters are sweating today's release of Superman: Man of Steel. At a reported production cost of nearly $250 million, will it be a hit with increasingly finicky Millennial moviegoers? Like a successful branding program, sometimes rebooting a superhero franchise requires a round of refinement or two.
Take, for instance, the recent direct-to-video death of this Iron Man precursor. With Robert Downey Jr. playing hardball contract negotiations, the studio made an ill-fated decision to replace him.
Darren Horwitz is….
IMPLEMENTATION MAN
Beth Mallow is a sweetheart. She spreads joy and sunshine throughout the world and has no sworn enemies. UNLESS Implementation Man makes promises to her that he can't keep. That makes Beth mad. Really mad. REALLY. REALLY. MAD!!!! Universal Studios tried to capitalize on their chemistry, with mixed results.
Beth Mallow is…
THE INCREDIBLE HULK
What does a brooding urban vigilante of justice do when there's no more crime to fight? Hit the buffet of course.
David Shankman in…
THE DARK KNIGHT DINNER PARTY
So as not to succumb to the same ho-hum ticket sales as these flops, we suggest rebooting Superman with a decidedly more efficient, fear-inducing flair.
Look, over in the conference room!
It's a fugl…
It's a flugvél…
It's Frábærkona!
Holmfridur Hardardottir is…
SUPER H
In the endless reaches of the universe, there once existed a planet known as Icelandia. A planet that burned like a cold star in the distant heaves. There, civilization was far advanced and was governed by a tribe of Hardardottir—or "supermen"—whose mental, physical and spreadsheet powers were developed to the absolute peak of human perfection.
But then came a day when giant storms of inefficiency threatened to destroy Icelandia forever. The planet's leader, sensing the approach of doom, placed his infant daughter in a small rocket ship and sent it hurtling in the direction of Earth just as Icelandia exploded. The vessel landed safely on Park Avenue with Icelandia's sole survivor: Holmfridur.
As the years went by and the child grew to maturity, she found herself possessed of amazing and fear-inducing powers. Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall strategists in a single bound. The infant of Icelandia is now the Account Director of Steel.
Sound like a hit? If focus groups in Reykjavik are to be trusted, the answer is…YES.
Join us tonight, fellow FutureBranders at Shades of Green (15th Street between Irving and 3rd), 6 pm sharp. Following Ann Smith's birthday drinks last night, the turnout might be a bit light. But as always, Holmfridur will be there downing shots at the bar and throwing back wings like the devil-may-care party animal that she is.