I’ve got chills, they’re ARVOplying
FROM THE VAULT: July 21, 2017
You better shape up, FutureBrand.
Cause Patrick Smith’s about to land (about to la-a-and).
And his heart is set on you.
You better shape up, FutureBrand.
You better understand.
The British Invasion is part of his master plan.
And there’s nothing left (nothing left) for you to do.
You’re the one that he wants.
You are the one he wants.
You, you, you. Honey.
You’re the one that he wants.
You are the one he wants.
To make him more money.
You, you, you.
That’s right, fellow FutureBranders. The British Invasion will soon be complete. You may have missed a small, seemingly innocuous tidbit buried deep inside last week’s global update. Patrick Smith, CEO of FutureBrand Global, will soon set sail for New York Harbor. But this ain’t the branding equivalent of the Beatles touching down at JFK in the early 60s. There won’t be hordes of teenage girls lined up and losing their shit along the tarmac awaiting Patrick's arrival. But rest assured, there will be screams.
Why’s everyone so freaked out about this? Are you afraid he’s going to fire all of us?
“Hi, sorry, Beth here. He can fire me. I volunteer.”
Or are you worried that he’ll replace all of our “z’s” with “s’s”, chicken wings with a proper Sunday Roast and sports where teams actually score points with soccer, cricket, rowing and darts?
Relax. You have nothing to fear. FutureBrand is, after all, the Epcot Center of branding. Since I’ve been here we’ve had Germans, Koreans, Chinese, Indonesians, Icelanders, Aussies, Turkish, Canadians, Brazilians, Italians and whatever planet Quae is from. Since when are we scared of a few Brits? Even if they have the power to whack us, or worse yet, make us work on the Verizon account.
The English have been amongst us for years. Besides playing every single character on every single American TV show and movie, we’ve welcomed Brits into our office since Graham Vard arrived three years ago (and then POOF! disappeared two years later). Sure he was the Irish canary our London office sent over to make sure the air was breathable and the chips were crisp. Soon after Clare-Louise arrived, though she was so quiet we didn’t notice her for months. Then came Polly. She talks so much there’s thought that maybe she’s actually an American with a faux British accent like Madonna and Chris Nurko. Then came Simon, and his love of brilliant British-isms that leave Enshalla scratching her head (Come on, E. Everyone knows what “damp squid” and “bent as a nine-bob note” means). Patrick Smith lands later this year. Soon after, David Beckham himself will be sitting next to Tom Li.
But this isn’t a time to draw lines or fear one another. This isn’t Brexit vs. Trump. Man U. vs. the Red Bulls. Us vs. Them. Now, more than ever, we need to unite, hand in hand across the pond, on an issue of grave importance, one that threatens our future more than any balance sheet or Weber Shandwick uprising.
We need ARVO back in all its glory.
Sure belts need to be tightened and snacks orders need to be postponed. But ARVO should not suffer. It’s the one true place where FutureBranders have always come together (over free hooch) to tear down the walls that separate us and bond as a team, and as friends. ARVO wasn’t meant to be locked up in a conference room cage. ARVO is a cock-strutting tiger out on the pub prowl, not some domesticated house cat licking Kris Pelletier’s whiskers over brie and a blush rosé.
To represent the unity, unbreakable bond and incredible hair we share with our British colleagues, please enjoy the below poster. Maybe we should start a gofundme campaign to buy Malozzi hair plugs. You think he walks with a strut now, just imagine him with THAT head of hair.
