Two blondes for the price of ARVO

FROM THE VAULT: September 3, 2015

The time has finally arrived on our key-al-endars, mates. Today we say so long and farewell to two members of our international blonde squad: Phoebe from Australia and Megan from the Republic of Buffalo.

But the similarities stop at their follicle color. Because as we all know, these two could not be more different.

Phoebe never shuts up. Like ever. Hands down she’s the chattiest, loudest and most opinionated person in the office. Whereas Megan, well, most days we’re not even sure if she’s in the office. She’s so shy, quiet and demure! I mean, how many times have you had to say: Megan, SPEAK UP! Please TALK LOUDER! Tell us what’s on YOUR MIND.

We’re so tired of listening to blowhard Phoebe go on and on all of the time. Sure she’s a globetrottin’ Aussie know-it-all who’s surfed the seven seas, wrestled sharks in Bora Bora and holds a master’s degree from Columbia. Big deal! Megan, you too have life experience. You’ve been to the Rochester airport. Twice. You own all six seasons of Sex and the City on DVD. You were there, on the front lines, when Taylor Swift put John Mayer on blast. And you’ll be there when she welcomes that scoundrel back into her fragile Millennial heart.

So promise us, Megan, that at your next job, you won’t be such a wallflower. And you won’t hold back—your knowledge, your wisdom, your hardscrable lessons learned from a bunch of boring geezers with funny accents in a nondescript midtown east office building. And Phoebe, please, simmer down. Zip a lip once in awhile. Put a sock in it. Shhhh. 

Fellow FutureBranders, please join us in the Skittles couch area at 4:30pm as we raise two more retired numbers to the rafters. And if you know any out-of-work Australians, send ‘em our way. From a high-water mark of three koalas a few years back, we’re down to just Camilla. Also, now that Megan and her fake ID are leaving, that leaves resident angsty teenager Alicia as the youngest in the office. BUT DON’T YOU DARE LOOK AT HER OR TALK TO HER! She’s going through a moody Wednesday from the Addams Family phase.