The ARVOter of cool
FROM THE VAULT: January 29, 2016
Face it, we live in a swipe right you’re hot, swipe left you’re not world. What used to take weeks of wooing is now determined with the fickle flick of a horny Millennial’s finger.
But thankfully, when it comes to knowing what’s cool, history has provided us with a Murderer’s Row of badass motherfuckers so chill, you’d swear their dandruff was made from snowflakes.
Miles Davis.
James Dean.
Frank Sinatra.
Burt Reynolds.
Jack Nicholson.
Dr. J.
Mr. T.
Chester the Cheetos Cheetah.
But how are a bunch of brand strategists like us supposed to know when something is indeed hip, happening and occasionally, downright out of sight? We could spend five months and 400 grand on quant research. Or we could look to one of our own as a best practice. The contenders please…
There’s Tom Li…he drives the chicas in Spanish Harlem so wild they refer to him as “Jose Frijo”
There’s Pat Benatar….sorry Joan Jett…sorry I meant Alicia Fowler and her ever-evolving edgy look. #dontlookatmeoldman, #idontlikelabels, #ummwhospatbenatar
There’s Kris Pelletier and the Production team! (Jamahl, ditch the nerds and we’ll talk)
There’s our executive management team…they’re like the cool parents in high school who let all your friends party in their house. They buy us beer every Friday and let us show up late to work in the professional world's version of third period.
There’s the too cool for school threesome of Mark, Amanda K. and Felix. ARVO emails are so lame, jabroni. Yeah man ARVO emails are lame man. Yeah lame. But not us we’re solid. Yeah man we’re solid man. Yeah solid. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah man ha ha ha ha ha man. Yeah ha.
But one true contender rises above the sea of pretenders. And not just because she has the coolest nickname this side of Clyde the Glide.
Ladies and gentlemen, Patricia Deneroff. AKA P. Diddy.
Fun facts about P. Diddy:
She ran with the bulls in Pamplona (TRUE!)
She was in the stands at Lake Placid for the Miracle on Ice hockey game between the US and Russia (ALSO TRUE!)
She made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs (COULD BE TRUE IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. Han Solo: LIES!)
She taught Jimi Hendrix how to play the guitar…left-handed and upside down (possibly true)
She can out-swear Samuel L. Jackson (maybe a stretch)
And in two weeks time, she’s taking her first step to becoming a cyborg. Which will have her leaping tall buildings in no time. What could be cooler than that?
P. Diddy, keep that cool you’re so famous for. We’ll be thinking about you. Get better real soon. The rest of you slobs, tuck in your shirts, stop picking boogers and head over to our new watering hole: Jameson’s, 975 Second Ave between 51st and 52nd. Please keep Alicia away from the jukebox or it’ll be nothing but Mumford & Sons, Lana Del Ray and Imagine Dragons all night long.
